Two urgent letters landed in my advice inbox this week: one person had just discovered their partner is HIV‑positive—and had also cheated. The other is trying to juggle two family weddings that collide, while elderly relatives in the Netherlands can realistically travel only once. Both situations arrive like sudden storms: they tear at trust, demand quick decisions, and force you to balance health, care and logistics all at once.
Here’s a practical, human-centered guide to help you act fast, keep people safe, and separate what needs immediate attention from what can wait.
First things first: four quick triage steps
1) Verify the facts. Call the clinic if you can, ask your partner for medical details if that’s possible, and book your own tests. Clear information calms panic and creates options.
2) Tell the people who need to know. Prioritize anyone whose health or caregiving depends on this information—medical providers, recent sexual partners, or family members coordinating travel and care.
3) Contain immediate risks. That might mean pausing sex, arranging temporary living arrangements, or postponing big relationship decisions until tests and medical advice are in.
4) Make a short, practical plan. Pick a 72‑hour to‑do list (see below), name one person to coordinate calls and notes, and decide if you need one mediated conversation.
If you just learned a partner is HIV‑positive: what to do now
– Get medical confirmation. Ask for clinic contact details and any recent notes about viral load or meds. If that’s impossible, book a sexual‑health appointment for yourself and bring whatever information you have.
– Test promptly. Different tests detect infection at different times—antigen/antibody tests and RNA tests have different “window periods.” If the potential exposure was within 72 hours, ask immediately about post‑exposure prophylaxis (PEP); it can prevent infection when started quickly.
– Learn the actual risk. Effective antiretroviral therapy can suppress HIV to undetectable levels—undetectable equals untransmittable (U=U). Viral load, not a diagnosis alone, determines current transmission risk.
– Protect your ongoing care. If you’re HIV‑negative and expect continued exposure, ask about PrEP. Get baseline labs (HIV, other STIs, hepatitis) and arrange follow‑ups with an HIV specialist or experienced clinic.
– Look after privacy and feelings. Shock and anger are normal. Talk with a confidential counselor or a trusted friend before making major relationship moves.
72‑hour checklist (what to do right away)
– Book a sexual‑health appointment or go to an emergency department.
– Ask about PEP if exposure was recent (within 72 hours).
– Request your partner’s treatment or viral‑load information if you can.
– Pause sexual contact until you’ve spoken with a clinician.
– Choose one friend or family member to help with calls, note‑taking and logistics.
– If feelings become overwhelming, contact a counselor or a crisis line.
Testing and prevention—plain language
– Tests: Rapid antigen/antibody tests give quick answers for many exposures. RNA tests detect infection earlier, but clinics will guide you on timing.
– PEP: Emergency medication that must start within about 72 hours to be most effective.
– PrEP: A daily (or sometimes long‑acting injectable) preventative for HIV‑negative people who face ongoing risk.
– Treatment: Starting antiretroviral therapy improves health and, when it suppresses viral load, dramatically reduces transmission risk.
Realities to keep in mind
– The good: Modern treatment works. Acting early gives you choices and greatly reduces risk. Clinics and community organizations can help with care and confidentiality.
– The harder parts: This is emotionally heavy. Stigma and fear can make conversations fraught. Access to services varies by region—some clinics have waits or fewer youth or rural services.
If infidelity is part of the shock
Health steps come first. Focus on testing, PEP if needed, and documenting exposure timelines. Once you have the medical picture, you can decide how to handle the relationship—couples counseling, new boundaries, or a break. Short, practical measures (staying elsewhere for a few days, having a friend act as an intermediary) buy time and keep you safer while you figure things out.
If you’re managing overlapping family weddings and elderly relatives abroad
Short version: make the process fair, transparent and low‑effort for the people who must travel.
Principles that help
– Invite widely, let people self‑organize. Send the same invitations to all relevant relatives, note the date overlap, and include clear info about mobility and travel needs. That reduces accusations of favoritism and puts choices in people’s hands.
– Centralize practical support for elders. Offer suggested flights, accommodation options, names of companions or helpers, and a local contact person. If someone is offering to pay, let them coordinate directly with the elder so privacy and autonomy are preserved.
– Use tech with intention. High‑quality livestreams, a few scheduled video appearances, and shared photo albums let overseas relatives participate without replacing in‑person care. Appoint a tech lead to run the stream and help older guests.
Here’s a practical, human-centered guide to help you act fast, keep people safe, and separate what needs immediate attention from what can wait.0
Here’s a practical, human-centered guide to help you act fast, keep people safe, and separate what needs immediate attention from what can wait.1
Here’s a practical, human-centered guide to help you act fast, keep people safe, and separate what needs immediate attention from what can wait.2